Heartbreak

I'll be brief today. Partly because I'm supposed to be folding laundry right now. That's what I promised myself I'd do. Mostly because I don't want to say too much. I'm feeling a bit too tender right now for daring expose.

My heart is hurting today. For many reasons, it's been hurting for a while now. But there are some specific things that have happened recently that have really broken my heart.

First, on my parents' anniversary my Dad's best friend died. They had been friends since their sophomore year of high school. He was the best man at their wedding and was only 51. This was very unexpected and it's been hard for our whole family, but especially for my dad. And especially because he is in Turkey right now. It hurts me to think of him sad and me not able to hug him. And it also makes me sad because I remember him (my dad's friend) and have such pleasant, happy memories of him.

I've also been thinking about my old best friends, most of whom I have not hung on to. I was thinking mainly of childhood friends that I've lost touch with and how much they meant to me then. How I wish we could have stayed friends, stayed close. I've wondered how I'd feel if one of them were to die suddenly.

Well, this morning I got a call from my mom and I knew immediately that the tone of her voice was a "someone died' kind of sound. True. She had very bad news. I'm having a hard time bringing myself to the point where I can type it. Seeing it in black and white makes it so final. One of my best, favorite childhood friends was found dead in her apartment yesterday. Or was it this morning? The details all blurred together when I heard "Jodie is dead." I've fought back the tears and just taken care of my kids all day, so I haven't felt much. But now that I'm sitting here, typing, seeing her face, I'm crying. I've already been missing her, regretting the end of our relationship. And now for it to be so final...

And the last thing, though not quite as traumatic, has been much more drawn out and difficult. I am ashamed at how hurt I feel. I want to let it roll off my back, to turn the other cheek. It's not easy. I don't want to get into details or be disloyal, here or anywhere else. I'm trying to love and freely forgive, regardless of the outcome. But it's been a battle.

So, all in all, I'm hurting. My heart aches. For me, for others who have lost loved ones, for broken trust and difficult decisions, for lost time and a feeling of having so much taken, on so many fronts.