Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Just Me, My Update and $5 In Gas

A couple of weeks ago I was driving home from the temple and noticed that my gas tank was completely empty. I knew that our bank account was also dangerously close to empty. So, I stopped at the gas station and purchased $5 in gas. $5. I haven't done that since I was 19 and going to college. Of course, back then, $5 would buy me half a tank...

I got home to find all of the children in bed and I melted into JDub's arms.

$5 of gas feels like a metaphor for my life right now. I feel like I'm always doing just enough to get by. There's barely enough money to pay the bills. I'm barely keeping the laundry from exploding out the windows. I'm barely keeping enough groceries in the house to keep these ravenous and growing children fed. Barely enough. Barely enough. It's like my head is staying above water, but only just.

I told JDub this. And laughed. Our life is just so funny lately, so off track from where I thought it would be 5 years, 1 year, even 2 months ago.

Life is busy right now. We have two separate science projects going in our house. Kaitybean is dissolving jawbreakers in her bedroom. Scud is working on killing ivy in our kitchen. Each evening he and I pour a quarter cup of water, weed killer, vinegar, borax water, hydrogen peroxide and rubbing alcohol into each respective plant. It's been interesting. Vinegar, surprisingly, had the quickest and most devastating effect. Tonight we will begin our research on each of these chemicals to figure out how and why they've had the effect they've had. A little backward, but like I said before, we're doing what we can right now.

Kaitybean has been much more independent (and scientific) with her project.

I have been filling out applications for charter schools for Mashuga. I'm not sure I'm going to send him to a different school next year. But, I want to have the option next year if it feels right. It would be more than a little insane, as it would mean having my children in three separate schools. Creating opportunities...

I've also been filling out other school applications. My own. Yes, if everything goes as planned, I will be going back to school in the fall. Given the fluctuations and uncertainties with JDub's salary and career this past year, I decided that I needed to have a degree and a career option under my belt. I could probably get a good job with the education I already have. I could even, eventually, build up my birth business to a point that it could provide a steady extra income. But, I really want to have something that I can step into, if necessary, and know that it will be steady, reliable work I enjoy with steady, reliable pay.

I've applied to both the local universities. I've already been accepted to one and need to finish a few more steps before my application is complete for the other. Then, I'll have to see which school will be a better fit for me. Either one will require me to take at least a semester and probably a full year's worth of prerequisites before I can apply for the nursing program at either school. Hopefully while I'm doing this, I can also finish off a minor in English and take the necessary classes to help me be ready to apply for the MFA in Creative Writing that I eventually want to complete.

Just thinking about it makes me tired. Of course, that could also be the staying up until midnight writing application essays.

In addition to this, we've been in and out of the doctor and the dentist for routine checkups, sickness, fillings, root canals, etc.

Mashuga has been sick off and on for weeks. Oh, and he has a tumor called an odontoma in his jaw where one of his permanent molars should have developed. It will require surgery to remove it. Surprisingly, I'm not sweating it too much. It is what it is. It can be fixed. It's not life threatening. It'll be ok.

Scud has been playing basketball and is pretty decent at it. He's learning fast. Kaitybean entered a fabulous poem in the state Junior Creative contest this week. I mailed my annual entries for the Utah State Poetry Society's contests a few weeks ago and am now pulling together my entries for national contesting.

JDub is working hard (not new), making progress with a couple of his long-term goals (memory ties, RBW purchase) and enjoying working with the 9 year old cub scouts.

See what I mean about busy???

In the end I have to just smile. Life is good and joyful. Spring is coming. Our home is a crazy, noisy, bustling and fun, happy place. I'm not wishing away these fantastic years of my life (though I do wish away the days sometimes).

And I have to remind myself of the tremendous blessing of enough.

I keep saying that we have and are and are doing barely enough. But the beautiful brilliant part of that statement is that it is, in fact, enough.

I am enough. I have enough. I do enough.

Barely enough sometimes. But it is still sufficient to keep our family happy and well and to call down blessings from a Heavenly Father who is always mindful of us.

God is good. Life is good.


Rynell said...

I can so identify with what you're saying here! I think we expect so much of ourselves, at least I do that I sometimes think enough is a step down. But it's not. Enough is good.

Kara said...

Well said. I re-read and re-read your post just enjoying it. You truly have a talent for writing. Good luck with the school applications.

Jeff and Jessie said...

Thank heavens we don't have to be it all-all the time. Even though it seems like we feel that way.
You amaze me, as always. You build me with your strength. And really, after 13 years, I am pretty impressed with myself that there is still $5 to put in the tank.

Ben and Teri said...

You are amazing! You always remind me to look at the bright side in life and to enjoy the time I have now. Thanks again for being such an amazing person.