2009, Let's Do It Again

What a year! I will always remember this as the year my sweet 5th child was born. It will be the year the economy went nuts, our salary was cut in half and we depleted our savings and went back into debt, bit by painful bit. It will be the year I developed a serious facebook addiction. The year I decided that I needed friends, deserved friends and took the time to reach out and be a better friend. It was the year of goblin valley and dentist bills. It has been a time of battling the most annoyingly on again/off again case of postpartum depression. It will be the year I had Judy as my visiting teaching companion and re-learned the importance of visiting teaching and love with boldness.

It's been a bittersweet year. I've learned and grown a lot. I feel like I've lost myself in some ways. Found myself in others. All in all, I'm grateful to have had the bitter as well as the sweet. I'm deep in my bones glad and grateful to have been me this year.

Here's the blog review (which has been somewhat sparse for the year and not necessarily the best journal of my year -- Oops.) Maybe I'll have to post a facebook recap to get the real journal aspect.

January

I'm proud to be an American today.

I've felt and given heed to the call to burrow deep, to spiral within and integrate all that I've learned in the wildly creative period of the last year or so, to discover who I am becoming and what I can make of this next phase in my life. I am in no hurry to return or to rush the changes that are taking place.

February

Then there's the whole feeling I have lately that I think I'm sort of impaired when it comes to the friendship thing. I've felt rather lonely lately.

I like the name Alex but like other names better: Milly, Samantha, Claire. We shall see. Of course, she could be a boy.

This world is made of moments,
all ripe for celebration.

I wonder about the future repercussions of pursuing a diagnosis, both positive and negative. But, more than anything, I just want to do what is right for Scud. The hard part is often knowing just what "right" is.

I've been reminded that happiness and joy come entirely from within. They can coexist with ANY given situation and have nothing to do with what is happening outside of me. That doesn't mean it's not okay to be sad, angry, hurt or upset. Those emotions have their place and are always worth feeling fully and learning from. But joy is always there, just underneath. If I allow it to be.

March


But faith is that forward step. That determination to go on, to trust the perfection inherent in our life and to allow the negative to be impermanent, to wash over us and then fall away as we claim the joy that is our heritage as children of a God who loves us.

Lesson learned: Never make a double batch of anything you don't KNOW your children will like. Otherwise, you'll end up finishing them off by yourself, two at a time, for daaaays.

April

A lot of things that were troubling me have kind of just melted away. Isn't funny how that happens sometimes? Time and patience and perspective just make things seem smaller and then sometimes they even just resolve on their own.

So THAT"S What They Think Of Me

I would like to write a poem in response to this about the feeling of having threads upon threads flowing from my heart through space and time. What a feeling it is to be the mother of many and for my love to have grown so big and to extend to so many that I hardly feel like I can contain it sometimes. I am such a miraculously blessed woman.

So, for some reason I'm fascinated by word verification. Every time I leave a comment I look to see what weird combination of letters will pop up. Sometimes it almost makes sense. Sometimes it makes me laugh. Sometimes it borders on obscene.

May

Hopefully I reassured her. I hope, at least, that she was no longer worried that the swine flu would be the end of the world.

Just minutes after taking the medicine, he was curled up on my lap smiling a goofy, out-of-it smile and reaching for things that weren't there. In a moment of clarity he turned to face me and said "Mom, I think something's messing with my mind."

Apparently I've had a lot to say over the last couple of years, just not enough time to really finish saying it all. I felt compelled today to share these bits with you. Perhaps I'll finish and polish up a few of these and post them in their full forms.

So, I was feeling like finishing some projects today. And I did!

June

All in all, a pretty good summer morning. Can I just say how incredibly, exhaustingly joyful it is to be the mother of four spirited kiddos.

During intermission I had a little conversation with JDub. I determined that there are three things that are hard for me to watch: live theatre, live soccer and pregnant women. With all three, I just want so much to be involved and it takes some doing to just relax and enjoy.

"Once upon a time there were three sharks..."
"Why?"

The Lord always gives more than is taken from us. The recompense is not always what we expect it to be, or when we expect it to be. But it always comes.

For me, it has come in the form of peace, a settled feeling that all is well and as it should be. When I think about that time, I just can't feel the pain as clearly anymore because it has been so deeply overcome by the joy, gladness, thanksgiving and praise that have filled that place.

July

The website is Mother's Advocate. Definitely worth a visit if you're expecting a baby, will be soon or are just interested in learning more.

I saw a lot of myself in her. (Except for the fact that she's hilariously irreverent in a way I could never dream of being.) But a lot of the change in ideas that have come on as I've taken the time to read and educate myself about birth are very similar.

Among other things, I love it how he always comes to me crying and blurts out "Daddy (or Kaitybean or Mashuga or Scud) day me NO!" Telling Coco no is one of the worst things you can possibly do to him.

All in all a successful camping trip. I only had to walk the 50 yards or so to the bathrooms about 4 times during the night. Didn't sleep much. But, I don't sleep much at home these days. So might as well not sleep somewhere beautiful, eh?

I laugh at the less-than-stellar moments of pregnancy: the now cumbersome belly, the ridiculous round-ligament pain, the multiple trips to the bathroom (some coming less than 5 minutes apart), the hips that hurt in the morning and leave me walking like an old lady. And then I cherish them too. When will I ever feel this again? Even the pain and the discomfort are precious. They are teachers, reminders of how alive I am, how fortunate I am to be a mother, how worthwhile the fruits of this short season will be, how short this season truly is.

August

"Mommy, I need diaper change. I 'mell 'tinky and da big kids won't pway wif me."

So, you know that list of great books to read during pregnancy? The one I promised to post quite a while ago? Well, here it is finally!

For those most intuitive among you (or maybe I'm giving myself too little credit for clarity), it is clear that I am freaking out a little.

OUR SWEET BABY IS HERE!

"How I wish I had a voice and words,
I've a hundred things to say.
Before I forget, I'd tell you of God --
I left Him yesterday."
--Carol Lynn Pearson

September

Honestly, it was the perfect birth for me. It wasn't easy, but by staying in the moment and embracing each moment, it was extraordinary. Ecstatic. Moving. Beautiful. The way I wish normal birth could be for every woman.

And, of course, a beautiful pregnancy and wonderful birth were both lagniappe.

Because now we have him and it feels like I've known him forever. I have no idea how I lived without him for 31 years.

It's always so much fun to introduce little ones to their new babies.

October

He is that passionate, beautiful blend of sweet, sassy, curious and mischievous that is two-going-on-three. He needs me desperately and he knows it. He wants to be his own man. And he wants me to know it.

All of these are on my phone. I have better pictures on my regular camera when I get around to uploading them. Hope you enjoy these for now!

I guess there's much more to be glad for than to complain about.

Lately, Coco has been really serious about his life. For instance, on Saturday when I was strapping him in his carseat to leave Grandma's house, he kept repeating "No! This is not my life! This not my life!"

November

Mashuga (very matter-of-factly): Kaitybean, do you see this book I'm reading? It's about aliens. And it's NON-FICTION.

I am posting this from the mother's room at church. I am nursing a sweet baby and my stomach is grrrrumbling because I forgot breakfast. So, since I'm thinking about food anyway I thought I'd post about my favorite breakfast.

Why is it that, when you have a baby, time seems to literally speed up?

I think it may be my ADD tendencies that cause my odd reading habits. But at any given time, I'm usually in the middle of several books. I switch based on mood or just read whichever book is closest.

December

Do you ever feel this breathless audacity?
This disbelief that moments such as these
save a space for you?

Merry Christmas!

 

One Morning In December

Some December mornings feel like this for me.

One Morning in December
by Heather Duncan

Just now I’ve slipped
from the softness of sheets on skin
to savor the silky silence
of morning before dawn.

Rusty, our golden retriever,
nudges me and I slide
the back door open.
She runs headlong into icy air.

I start the teakettle toward her singing
then sit to scribble this note to you.

Do you ever feel this breathless audacity?
This disbelief that moments such as these
save a space for you?

Sweet, Sweet Baby

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Books I Am Reading

Yes, I said books. Plural.

I think it may be my ADD tendencies that cause my odd reading habits. But at any given time, I'm usually in the middle of several books. I switch based on mood or just read whichever book is closest.

Here is my current list:

•Fablehaven, Rise of the Evening Star by Brandon Mull
•Earthborn by Orson Scott Card
•The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley
•Persuasion by Jane Austen
•I Hate It When Exercise Is the Answer by Emily Watts
•The Frozen Kingdom, poems about a breast cancer journey by Gail G. Schimmelpfennig
•An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison

So, what about you? What are you reading? And do you have any odd reading habits or do you read one book at a time like a normal person?


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Newborn Photos of Peanut

This darling newborn is now THREE months old.

Wipes tears...

Why is it that, when you have a baby, time seems to literally speed up?









Photos taken by my talented and generous friend, the ShutterDoula.

My favorite morning smoothie

I am posting this from the mother's room at church. I am nursing a sweet baby and my stomach is grrrrumbling because I forgot breakfast. So, since I'm thinking about food anyway I thought I'd post about my favorite breakfast. I love making whole juice smoothies for breakfast. Yummy, quick and I get in most of my fruits & veggies in one meal.

Here is my favorite "recipe":

1/2-1 cup juice (I usually use apple or grape)
Large handful of grapes
1-2 handfuls of fresh spinach
Handful of baby carrots
About 2/3 cup frozen blueberries
4-6 frozen strawberries
Sometimes I also add a banana and/or half an avocado
Sometimes I also add a tbsp of benefiber






Add all ingredients to the blender (juice & soft stuff first, frozen and hard things last). On my blendtec I just push the "whole juice" button a couple of times. On a vita mix or other blender you'd probably just start with a low setting and increase the speed, blending until it's smooth. This recipe usually makes about three cups. I drink two and Coco drinks one (a little at a time, cuz this stuff is a bugger to clean up).

See, Coco loves it!






Man, now I'm reeeallly hungry!

Do you have any favorite smoothie (or other breakfast recipes) I should know? If you do, post them in the comments section or post to your blog and link back to me.

Have a happy Sunday!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Overheard

Kaitybean: Aliens are not real, Mashuga!
Mashuga: Yes they are!
Kaitybean: Are not!
Mashuga (very matter-of-factly): Kaitybean, do you see this book I'm reading? It's about aliens. And it's NON-FICTION.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Coco's Recent Funnies

Lately, Coco has been really serious about his life. For instance, on Saturday when I was strapping him in his carseat to leave Grandma's house, he kept repeating "No! This is not my life! This not my life!"

He says this a lot when I try to get him to do something he doesn't like.

Then today I told him he couldn't have any more candy. He looked at me, serious as can be and said, "You don't know! Candy is my life!"

Yes. He's only two.

And he's adding an s onto nearly every noun he says lately. So candy is actually his "lifes".

This kid kills me.

Earlier today I was nursing Peanut and heard Coco opening the door.

"Coco, you stay in here! Close that door right now!" I told him.

Then I heard his little feet running across the porch as he yelled in exultation, "I are breeeeeee!"

Oh yes, and let's not forget the day a few weeks ago when the guy from the power company came to check our meter.

Coco looked out the window and said, "Who is he? I don't like him. He breeks me out."

What am I going to do with this child????


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Dispatch From Crazyland

Just a note. Driving home from Arizona to Utah all in one day sucks. Seriously sucks rocks. Especially by 1:24am when both parents are tired and kidlets are still not sleeping.

But, for the sake of your sanity and to keep a happy tone on this sweet lil blog o mine, we'll play the glad game.

-I'm so glad I've gotten to spend the last 15 hours talking to, reading with, laughing with, arguing with, holding hands with and otherwise playing with and enjoying my sweetheart and best friend.

-I'm so glad that sweet Peanut has been such a good baby on this trip. He has slept well and barely fussed at all.

-I'm so grateful for breast pumps and big kids who can hold bottles and replace binkies. How did we ever do road trips otherwise?

-I'm glad we got to spend so much time talking with and getting to know JDub's cousin Byron. Seriously. What a cool guy. Whatever woman gets to marry him will be a lucky, lucky woman.

-I'm glad we got to celebrate the life of a lovely, righteous woman. Glad my children got to learn about her and her life.

-I'm glad for iPhones, GPS and Google Maps. Oh. and U-turns.

-I'm glad we've gotten to spend so much time with siblings and best friends. I adore JDub's siblings and their spouses. And their kids. I have such cool nephews.

-I'm glad for a functioning car. And portable DVD players. And books. And pretzels. And public parks. And playplaces in fast food joints. And caffeine. Yes, even caffeine.

I guess there's much more to be glad for than to complain about.

I'm glad for perspective.


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Watch Me Grow!

Peanut has changed so much over the past 8 weeks. Yes. He is 8 weeks old now. Unbelievable!

Here are a few pictures of his cute little life so far.

Day One



Day two or three


Day two or three






Two weeks












Between three and four weeks



One month



Six weeks









Eight weeks

All of these are on my phone. I have better pictures on my regular camera when I get around to uploading them.
Hope you enjoy these for now!

The Awesomeness That Is Coco Right Now

Coco is growing ever nearer to the "trying threes." And he's having a hard time adjusting to having all his buddies go to school and sharing Mommy with a baby all at the same time. And it shows.

He makes messes. LOTS of messes every day. He throws gargantuan temper tantrums over tiny things like his water not being "big 'nough" and his hot cocoa being made in the microwave instead of on the stove. Sometimes he takes a nap during the day. Sometimes he doesn't. And some days he is a monster child by 6pm regardless of nap status.

But he is also so darling and so awesome right now. He makes it all worth it.

At least once a day he holds my face between his chubby little hands and shakes it as he says "I like you! I like you! I like you!"

When the kids leave for school in the morning, he stands at the window and says sadly, "My buddies all gone. I need some buddy to play with." To him somebody=some buddy. And it fits. He has so many buddies in this world and loves them all sooooo much.

He remembers every week that "payboop is on Wenday" and asks me frequently "It Wenday yet, Mama? I go payboop?"

So many things right now are absolute and hyperbole. "I nebber pay my cars again!" He cries when I make him put them away. "I nebber, ebber, ebber keen my woom!!!"


He is learning grammar, as is common for this age. And vocabulary. He calls nearly everyone "him" or "he" no matter what their gender. And he cracks us all up when he randomly adds "either" or "again" at the end of his sentences. Especially when he's mad. It's like an exclamation point. "I want ice cream. EITHER!"

He is that passionate, beautiful blend of sweet, sassy, curious and mischievous that is two-going-on-three. He needs me desperately and he knows it. He wants to be his own man. And he wants me to know it.

He enchants and exasperates me in equal measure.

And I'm so glad to be his mama.

Coco-buddy, I like you! I like you! I like you!


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Coco and Mashuga Meet Peanut

So, Coco and Mashuga were very surprised to wake up in the morning and find out their new brother was here.

Mashuga wanted to hold him immediately.

Coco was not so sure, but eventually warmed up and decided he was curious.

It's always so much fun to introduce little ones to their new babies.

Peanut's Birth Story -- The Real Deal

I'm pretty sure a phone call sent me into labor.

After all of the anxiety and preparation and prayer of the preceding week, I did the hardest thing of all. I called my friend, Laura, ready to give her half of my bank account and beg her to be my doula at the last minute. Why was this so hard? I don't know. I felt so foolish for waiting until I was 39 weeks pregnant to decide, for sure, that I wanted a doula present at my birth. I was afraid she'd think I was foolish, too. Of course, if a friend were to call me at the last minute to be at her birth, I'd do everything I could to rearrange my life to be there. I'd be happy to help. I forget that other people like me too. Enough to happily help and take care of me.

At about 5pm on August 10th I called her.

Her (typical Laura) response: "I'd be honored."

Then we spent the next two hours talking about my pregnancy, what preparations I'd made, what my needs and her role for this birth would be. By the time we finished talking, I felt like there was more oxygen in the room, like the weights tied to my ankles were gone, like a million tiny springs were uncoiling all over inside my body.

The final piece was in place. Everything would be ok. Laura would be there.

I went to the bathroom and was surprised to find a bit of bloody show. I didn't think much of it because I wasn't having any contractions. Actually, I thought it meant I would probably go into labor in the morning. That's how it has happened for the last three, I'd wake up with contractions and have a baby by that afternoon/evening.

So, we had dinner and put kids to bed. Then I went to WalMart to get dog food and grapes.

While I was there I felt a bit achy, but I was not contracting. I had no inkling that I might actually be about to start labor (or perhaps be dilating/laboring already). I remember looking at people as I walked around and thinking "They have no idea that I'm going to go into labor and have a baby tomorrow."

I schlepped the 40 lb bag of dog food out to the car (along with my grapes and the ice cream and other things that jumped into the cart). On the way home, I talked to Peanut about his birth. I told him I loved him and that I would do everything I could to get him here safely and coached him again on his job. Head down, back forward, chin tucked. Then, as I was stopped at a stop sign just a few minutes from our house, I told him I was ready for him to come. I told him I was ready to do whatever it took and he could come any time he wanted. Immediately I had an intensely powerful contraction. Seriously. It was huge. I felt a kind of popping sensation along with it and thought, "Holy cow, I think I dilated 4 centimeters just with that contraction."

That was about 11:30pm.

I drove home and took things into the house (I made JDub carry the dog food). At about 11:45, I was standing in the kitchen and had another contraction (not as strong this time) and felt another pop. And my underwear were suddenly very wet. It wasn't like a gush (like when my water broke with Kaitybean) and there was no puddle on the floor. It was just a little fluid. I sat on the toilet and a little more fluid came out. It was, thankfully, clear and not a lot of fluid. I think his head was probably pressed pretty well against my cervix and kept most of the fluid in.

I told JDub that I thought my water had broken and started contracting pretty regularly. We finished putting things away, took the grapes off their stems and rinsed them. Each time I'd have a contraction I would hold on to the counter or the stove, lean forward and rock back and forth. JDub massaged my lower back and hips, which felt wonderful. He gave me a priesthood blessing, where I was promised help from the other side of the veil, added strength and a healthy baby and mom.

Finally, I decided it was probably time to call Suzanne, my midwife, and give her a heads up. We decided, first, to time a few contractions and see how close they were. They were lasting about 45 seconds and were a pretty consistent 2 minutes and 45 seconds apart. And definitely getting stronger.

Still, I was convinced that this was just early labor. My plan was to call Suzanne and then go to sleep "until things got serious". It didn't even occur to me that things might already be getting "serious".

I called Suzanne, told her what was happening. She asked if I wanted her to come and I told her the plan. I was just going to wait it out and I'd call her when I needed her. I just wanted to let her know it would be soon.

Then we called Laura. She also asked what was happening and talked me through a few contractions over the phone. I told her of the "wait until things get serious" plan. She asked where I was feeling the sensations and I told her "Mostly in the front of my abdomen, near my pubic bone and in my inner thighs."

Bless Laura and her spot-on instincts.

"Um, if you're feeling sensations in your inner thighs and your contractions are that close, I think I'm going to assert myself," she said. "I'm just going to start moseying on down there."

"Actually, I think that's a good idea," I told her.

She instructed me to eat something and then to spend some time on hands and knees (leaning on a birth ball) and to do some aggressive pelvic tilting during contractions to promote rotation and descent.

This was about 12:35am on August 11th.

Sometime during my next few contractions, I ended up on the birth ball in our hallway. I did pelvic tilts during contractions and at first didn't like it because it made the sensations much more intense. Actually, the sensations were just intense. I had a very lucid moment in that hallway when I thought, "You know, I think I completely skipped early labor."

These were not early labor contractions. They were powerful. The pressure and pain radiated all through my abdomen, my back and my thighs.

Then something miraculous happened.

There was a little voice in my head. "You have a choice here," it told me. "You can run from the intensity of these contractions. You can fight them. Or you can embrace them and go straight to the center."

I decided right then to embrace, to allow each surge to wash over me and to find my way to the center of each sensation and really feel it.

And here's the amazing thing: When I decided to embrace the sensations, they actually got easier. The actual feeling of each contraction was not nearly as difficult as they were in the story I had running inside my head. Now, each pelvic tilt actually felt good to me. It felt great to move into, rather than away from what I was feeling. I imagined my cervix y-a-w-n-i-n-g wide open with each contraction. I felt help from the other side. Truly, it was amazing.

JDub continued to massage my back and touch me and stay with me.

At some point I decided that I was really tired of staring at the cracking paint above our dusty A/C intake vent and had JDub help me into our bedroom. The atmosphere there was MUCH better. A newly painted green, clean, restful bedroom with soft light from our bedside lamps was a much nicer place to be.

At about 1:30am I had JDub call Laura to see how close she was. She was about 5 minutes away. Then, I convinced myself that I really was in serious labor and probably ought to have our midwife come too. So I had him call Suzanne, also.

Laura arrived to find me leaning on the birth ball. With each contraction I'd tilt my pelvis and JDub would rub my back. Then, as the contraction ended, I'd rock my hips back and forth and sway on the birth ball until all of the tightness in my hips and thighs just faded away. Her presence was wonderful. She stroked my hair and talked softly, encouraging me through each wave. JDub went to fill the tub.

I got my ipod off of my nightstand and started listening to Jason Mraz and John Mayer and James Taylor. (I'll have to post my birth playlist. It was awesome.) That helped so much, but the earphones kept coming out. Laura pulled out her handy ipod dock and we were all able to listen.

Just after this, I got up to empty my bladder, get a drink and eat a bit more. When I came back to the bedroom, I tried to get back down on the birth ball but couldn't do it. I tried to crawl into bed. That wouldn't do either. The only thing that felt good was to mooove. Contractions were coming right on top of each other now, and it just felt good to walk right through them. I walked laps through our living room and kitchen, with my sweet husband trailing behind. I grabbed his hand and placed it on my back.

"Just touch me," I told him. "It feels better when you touch me."

Laura asked me how I was feeling, what my sensations were.

"Lots of pressure. Lots of pressure in my perineum and pelvis."

With a little bit of panic in her voice she asked, "Now do you think that pressure is a sign that it's a good time to call Suzanne?"

She seemed very relieved when JDub told her Suzanne was already on her way.

Soon, the walking stopped feeling good, so I got into our bed (with some help) and laid on my side. By this time, I was sure I was in transition. In transition I have almost always wanted to be very still. In that way, this birth was no different. The big difference was a wonderful one, though.

With my other births (particularly Mashuga and Coco), transition was a time of outer stillness and quiet but I was screaming inside. It was scary and I felt so alone. I don't know if it was because of the promised help from the other side, or my determination to simply embrace each moment as it came, or the attentiveness of Jeffrey and Laura. But during transition this time, my mind was as still and quiet as I was on the outside. I knew my baby was coming soon. I could literally feel him moving down through my body. Jeffrey held my hand and kept his face close to mine and I felt so safe and loved. Laura gently ran her fingers from my hip to my knee, which was so relaxing.

Jeffrey asked if I wanted to get in the tub. I nodded. He asked if I wanted him to check it or Laura. I wasn't sure whether I could live without either one of them at that moment, but decided he was the indispensable one and sent Laura.

I knew I was close to pushing, but wasn't about to rush it because Suzanne hadn't come yet. But, like I said earlier, I could literally feel Peanut moving down through my body. It was probably only a few minutes that I felt it, but it was felt like an eternity. And I was in a state of pure wonder. Just wow. Then, I heard a guttural, unintentional growl. I realized it came from me and that my body was pushing without my consent.

"Get Laura up here now," I told Jeffrey.

He went to the air vent and called to her.

I growled again.

"Laura, could you please come up here. NOW!" Jeffrey pleaded.

And I heard Laura running up the stairs.

"He's coming." I told her.

Laura was awesome. She was completely clear-headed. She found the chux pads in my birth kit and got them situated underneath me. She got some gloves on and got ready.

"Okay, Heather," she told me, "You place your hands wherever you feel they need to be and I will help you guide him out."

"Good, because he's here," I told him. I was feeling that unmistakable ring of fire that told me his head was right on my perineum. Even though I didn't believe it could be there already.

I reached down and, sure enough, I could feel his head at the opening of my vagina. I gently pushed with the next contraction, supporting my perineum with one hand and above his head with the other hand. I have no words to describe how miraculous, how empowering, how awe-inspiring and beautiful this moment was for me. It still brings me to tears. Whether through instinct or inspiration or both I knew exactly where to place my hands, where to put pressure to support the tissues and keep them from tearing. And I felt my precious baby's head slip right between my hands and into the world.

After this, I felt no urgency to push his shoulders out. I was just blissed out and resting for a minute. Laura suctioned his nose and mouth and then guided me to spread my legs open a bit wider and push the shoulders out. I wasn't quite ready to and when I spread my legs I felt a bit like I was pushing uphill. But I gave just a couple more pushes and his whole body came wriggling out. He cried immediately. It was the most beautiful sound imaginable.

Laura placed Peanut right on my chest, skin to skin. I was immediately in love with him.

So in love.


After that it is a bit of a blur. Suzanne made it just after Peanut was born. She was here to help deliver the placenta and to confirm that I had no tears and that my bleeding was normal.
We just snuggled him until his cord stopped pulsing and then Jeffrey cut the cord. We woke Scud and Kaitybean up to meet their new brother.

Suzanne weighed and measured and examined him to make sure he was healthy and strong. She gave us paperwork for his birth certificate and scheduled follow-up visits for 1 day, 2 weeks and 6 weeks. Then she left.

Laura stayed long enough to help clean up, to make sure I ate and was comfortable and ready for sleep. I took a picture of Jeffrey, who had fallen asleep at the foot of our bed holding Peanut and posted it on facebook. (Which was not a good idea because I hadn't yet called my parents or sister and my sister was at work and awake and saw the picture before I had told her personally that he was here and called my parents to see if they knew. I should have just called them all in the middle of the night, but I was exhausted and figured I'd just let them sleep and call in the morning. Oops. Oh well.)

Then, we settled in to sleep.

It was a wonderful experience. Now, I wonder if childbirth is a time of literal time dilation. All of this seemed to go in slow motion, even though it went so fast. Laura got here shortly after 1:30am and Peanut was born at 2:02am. But, I was so lucid (within my head) and every moment seemed so distinct and to stretch as if there was nothing else before or after it.

Honestly, it was the perfect birth for me. It wasn't easy, but by staying in the moment and embracing each moment, it was extraordinary. Ecstatic. Moving. Beautiful. The way I wish normal birth could be for every woman.

And, of course, a beautiful pregnancy and wonderful birth were both lagniappe.

Because now we have him and it feels like I've known him forever. I have no idea how I lived without him for 31 years.

Commercial Break

I know I promised you a birth story and it's coming. :)

In the meantime, enjoy this video made by my cool BIL.

And if you'd like to go view it on the site, you can follow this link.

One Day Old

Day Old Child

My day old child lay in my arms,
With my lips against his ear.
I whispered strongly, "How I wish--
I wish that you could hear,

"I've a hundred wonderful things to say,
(a tiny cough and a nod),
hurry, hurry, hurry and grow
So I can tell you about God."

My day-old baby's mouth was still
And my words only tickled his ear,
But a kind of light passed through his eyes,
And I saw this thought appear:

"How I wish I had a voice and words,
I've a hundred things to say.
Before I forget, I'd tell you of God --
I left Him yesterday."
--Carol Lynn Pearson

He's Here!!!

It's been 9 days now and most of you either keep track of me through facebook or talk to me in person so it isn't news. But it still feels like news to me. I want to shout it from the rooftops.

OUR SWEET BABY IS HERE!

Here are the stats:

Date: August 11, 2009
Time: 2:02am after approximately 2 1/2 hours of labor and 2 minutes of pushing. That's a lot of 2's!!
Weight: 7 pounds 8 ounces
Length: 20 1/2 inches long

Absolutely darling.

My next post will be his birth story, with pictures.

Until then, you get to help name my baby!

Well, sort of...

I try to be pretty vigilant about keeping my children's identity secure on here, just in case, so they all have nicknames. But you know that.

So it's time to come up with a nickname for this new baby.

Some ideas I have:

• Baby A
• Peanut
• Super Diaper Baby (SDB for short. Those with boys who read Captain Underpants books will really understand.)

Short list. Not all that creative. You can vote for any of my ideas or come up with your own and then we can either put it to a final vote, or I'll decide which I like best.

The Other Side of the Coin (For Entertainment Purposes Only)

I almost posted this the day before our baby was born. This was just hours before I called my friend and doula-extraordinaire, Laura and invited her to come to our birth. Then labor started that night. And it was my easiest birth ever. You never know.

Alternate titles:

Pregnancy Hormones Run Amok
or
The Flip Side of an Ultra-Pleasant Pregnancy
or
Why Heather Is a Big, Fat, Ugly Liar and Lies To No One as Well as She Lies to Herself
or
Can't Somebody Else Do It?
or
Why Practice Doesn't Make Perfect When It Comes to Childbirth
or
Denial is NOT a River in Egypt
or
I Know This Baby Will Be Worth It, But...
or
Dooce is Way Cool, But Also Way Honest and She Scared the Living Daylights Out Of Me
or
Rainbow Relaxation Isn't Always Cutting It Lately
or
Can You Feel the Tigers Circling? Cause I Sure Can.
or
You Read My Joyful Musings, Now Face the Power of My Whining

For those most intuitive among you (or maybe I'm giving myself too little credit for clarity), it is clear that I am freaking out a little.

The Best Birth Books

So, you know that list of great books to read during pregnancy? The one I promised to post quite a while ago? Well, here it is finally!

I was planning on writing a little blurb about each book and my opinions on it, what was best about it, etc. But I don't have the extra time or brain power for that right now. So, each book title links to its description on Amazon. That way, in true Reading Rainbow fashion, you don't have to take my word for it! You can go read what amazon and all of the reviews have to say.

My advice is to read at least three of these really good birth books while pregnant. The more you read, the more well-rounded your information and preparation will be. Enjoy!

Oh, and the stars and the Ps and Os and <3s.... If a book has a star by it, I have it in my library and am happy to loan it to friends and family. If it has a P or an O it means it is available at one of the two major local libraries in my area. If it has a <3 by it, it means I luuuuuuuurrrrrve that book!

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin * P O <3

The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer * O <3

The Pregnancy Book by William and Martha Sears P

The Birth Book by William and Martha Sears *

Having a Baby, Naturally by Peggy O'Mara

Gentle Birth Choices by Barbara Harper P O

Birth Without Violence by Frederick LeBoyer P O

Birthing From Within by Pam England and Rob Horowitz * P <3

Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn by Penny Simkin, Janet Whalley and Ann Keppler * P

Mind Over Labor by Carl Jones *

Active Birth by Janet Balaskas O

Your Best Birth by Ricki Lake, Abby Epstein and Jacques Moritz P O <3

Easing Labor Pain by Adrienne B. Liberman P

Disclaimer: This is probably far from an extensive list. But these are the books with which I am familiar enough to feel comfortable recommending. I have an alternate list of books to avoid (#1 being "What to Expect When You're Expecting." I have a friend who calls it "What to Freak Out About While You're Expecting.") but I chose to just keep to the positive list for this post.

Question

What's even cooler than having a wonderful sister who has been your best friend for the better part of your life?

Having a sister who loves your kids as much as you do.

If you want to visit my sister's blog, she has some pretty silly pictures of my kids up right now.

Coco Quote

"Mommy, I need diaper change. I 'mell 'tinky and da big kids won't pway wif me."

I Broke the Butter Dish and Other Confessions of Late Pregnancy

Yes, I'm the one who broke the butter dish. And the last of the glasses that Derrick and Kendra gave us. And one of our few remaining IKEA stoneware bowls. I'm always clumsy during pregnancy. Well, I'm fairly clumsy all the time. Something about the hormones and the physical changes of pregnancy just exacerbates it.

But strangely, I have felt anything but clumsy this pregnancy. Being pregnant this time around has been pure bliss. I feel beautiful, divine, big, powerful, capable, joyful, grateful beyond reckoning. It may be because this is likely my last chance to experience pregnancy. It may be because I am keenly aware of so many around me who are yearning to be pregnant, or whose pregnancies are truly difficult. But somehow I have been able to abide in each moment of this experience, to cherish it for what it is, to revel in this partnership with the divine in creating a body to house a precious spirit.

I laugh at the less-than-stellar moments of pregnancy: the now cumbersome belly, the ridiculous round-ligament pain, the multiple trips to the bathroom (some coming less than 5 minutes apart), the hips that hurt in the morning and leave me walking like an old lady. And then I cherish them too. When will I ever feel this again? Even the pain and the discomfort are precious. They are teachers, reminders of how alive I am, how fortunate I am to be a mother, how worthwhile the fruits of this short season will be, how short this season truly is.

I think it is also a blessing to have a summer baby. I visit my garden in the mornings to tend and weed and water and harvest, the warmth of the sun radiating through me. The squatting and the bending and the reaching are wonderful preparation for my physical body. The widely opening flowers, soon to be ripe with fruit, are a comfort and companion to my mother-soul. The effortless green and growth are nourishment to my spirit and a gentle example of our equal needs, the garden and I, for nourishment and tender care.

In my favorite birth book, Birthing From Within, there is a powerful exercise. It is one I teach my BFW classes and doula clients. It is the process of choosing one's Deepest Question. Like affirmations, it is a way of bringing mind and body into congruence. Even more powerful, to my mind. In asking the question over and over, we invite ourselves to live the answer. And as I live the answer now and the next moment and the next moment, I can know with surety that I will still be living my answer as I give birth and learn to mother a new child.

My question through the latter half of this pregnancy has been this:

How am I opening to this moment?

Each time I ask this again, I feel myself crack open just a little wider. I feel my heart open, my mind open, my eyes open, my hands open. I feel myself opening to and embracing the joy, the humor, the aching hips, the gentle nudges of my baby each morning, the nervousness about having five children, the breaking butter dishes. I am opening to all of the possibilities this particular birthing adventure might take, to the love and kindness of friends and family and strangers who are eager to share in this experience, to the wonder in my children's eyes as they marvel over my hee-uuuge tummy, the adoration and devotion of my dear husband. I am claiming and embracing it all, without apology, with an inkling that I just might be one of the most blessed women in existence right now.

My preparation for Coco's birth was an exercise in trust, a warrior-like need for battle readiness, almost an existential crisis. (I frequently pull myself into the-chicken-or-the-egg type discussions about this. Was Coco's birth my most intense because I was so intense about preparing for it, or did my spirit know how desperately I needed that intense preparation for the phenomenal experience to come?)

This experience has been so incredibly different. It has been one of curiosity, gentleness and steady, calm assurance. Perhaps I am living the calm of the warrior. Coco's birth taught me that I am made of tougher stuff than I ever imagined. Perhaps my spirit really knows what's coming and I'm in for an easier ride this time.

Either way, I'm ready. Open. Grateful.

I'm in no hurry to part with this little one, to end this treasured experience. But I feel the end coming soon. And when it comes, I will open body, mind and spirit and let my little one come from my body to my arms.

And the opening will have only begun.

Our Time Amongst the Goblins

Last weekend we went with some of JDub's siblings to camp in Goblin Valley. We had a ball. What a fun, magical place! It was hot, but not nearly as hot as we had anticipated because of some good cloud cover and even some rain.

My early risers had a grand time playing in the morning. We went on a little hike and played in the dirt at our camp. I love how Scud is all arms and legs right now.

Kaitybean and Scud were fearless climbers. This shot does not give nearly enough perspective. They were really up there!

Here's me, goddess of the rain, in the actually Valley of Goblins. We were playing commando and I was, um, something. Basically the one who got to count and didn't have to run and climb all over.

Cute, fun people in a cave at the wall. Mashuga and Coco are on the left. JDub's brother and wife on the right and his youngest brother's fiance in the middle.

Happy, happy, happy...

JDub enjoyed his Vibram 5-finger shoes while here. Like being barefoot, except for the barefoot part.

A couple of cuties and a very pregnant weirdo.

By the time we were done, Rusty was EXHAUSTED! What this picture doesn't show is the major shaking the boys are getting as she pants and pants and pants. She was pretty hot. We gave her water while we were exploring but she still drank a good half gallon when we were done.

Rusty wasn't the only tired one. Though if you'd asked Coco at this moment whether or not he was tired, he would have said no. Ha! He slept soundly the entire 4+ hour ride home.

All in all a successful camping trip. I only had to walk the 50 yards or so to the bathrooms about 4 times during the night. Didn't sleep much. But, I don't sleep much at home these days. So might as well not sleep somewhere beautiful, eh?