It's Okay to Take a Break. Really.

One of my favorite people and sister Birthing From Within mentors wrote this today:

Potty Break

Not only am I constantly astounded by her gentle, thoughtful mothering, her words today were an answer to prayer. I want to reach across the miles to hug and thank her. Truly, what a gift.

Just to let you in on what I've been going through. I've talked a bit here about the feeling I have that I really need to concentrate on my family and home, on building friendships and community and staying close to home.

In my desire to do this, what I really feel like I need to do is to just stop mentoring Birthing From Within classes, completely stop doing doula work. It would mean a cold-turkey, cut-and-run from some things that I am terribly passionate about and love very much. It feels like the right thing to do on one hand, on the other it seems completely unthinkable. It would be a bit like cutting off my left hand, or at least a few of the fingers on my left hand. I have not been able to reconcile this feeling that I need to take a break and let go with the passion I feel for this work, the way it has made me grow and blossom as a woman, mother and friend.

Then, I read my friend's post and it was just what I needed to hear.

It was both humorous and enlightening to imagine myself as an antsy 3 year old who doesn't want to stop what she's doing to go potty.

I can just see little Heather bouncing around and whining, "NO! I do not have to go! I don't want to stop what I'm doing! What if the game is all over when I get done."

And then, there's the sweet, mother Heather (in BFW language, we call her the love warrior), who is stroking my hair and saying "It's okay, sweetie. It will still be here when you get back and you can play then. And won't it be so much more fun to play with all of the other girls when you can put your full attention to it and not be distracted by the pain of knowing that you need to be somewhere else? Won't that be much more comfortable?"

And then Miss Judge comes in to protect me and says "Yeah, and you're not a lot of fun to play with right now anyway. I know you really want to be involved and helpful and great at this work, but really, you are just not able to put the energy into it that everyone wants you to put into it. You're probably bugging them and they might not even like you as much as you like them. After all, the other girls are really going for it, getting involved. And you. You just kind of hang around. You don't do much because you have to spend all of your time with your baby and your family. You're kind of a loser right now."

Mother Heather looks sternly at Miss Judge and wags her finger. "Now, now, we shouldn't use words like that with people we love. First of all, it doesn't matter what all of the other girls think. What matters most is that we're happy and that WE are being kind and good to others and doing what's right. And I'm sure that the other Birthing From Within mentors are glad for any contribution Heather can make, no matter how small. They're all exceptionally nice, loving and understanding women"

Miss Judge butts in here, slightly humbled but mostly indignant. "Well, if they're happy she's contributing, which I doubt, then they won't understand when she just stops teaching Birthing From Within for an indefinite period of time. They might even be angry. What if she even takes YEARS OFF? Nobody will even remember her then. Then, not only will she have been a sub-par mentor for a while, but she will have to start all over again from scratch. And what if everyone is just annoyed?"

"Oh, sweet Judge. You're so good to want to protect Heather. I hear what you're saying," Mother Heather, Love Warrior says with a patient, knowing look in her eye. "It might be different when she comes back. It really might. And some people might not understand her decision."

At this point, little Heather pipes up, her big blue eyes welling with tears. "Is that true?" She asks. "Is it true that things might be different? That some of my friends might not like me anymore or that they might not even be there or even remember me? What if Brooke and Isabel and Virginia and Linda and everyone else have gone on without me and I'm all left out? What if Pam forgets me, too? I'd hate that. I really don't want to go!"

"Oh, honey. I know you don't," Mother Heather says. "And yes, my darling. It's true. It might be different. Some of your old friends might be gone. But you can make new friends. And Pam might forget you. But, you can get to know her again. And think about this. Things might be different when you get back to BFW. They might be very different. But, what if they're even better?"

This time both little Heather and Miss Judge Heather cry out in unison, "But what if they're not!?! What if it's worse?"

"Well, then, we're pretty good at this stuff. If things are worse when we get back, and we've waited until we really have the time and energy to devote to Birthing From Within, then we can volunteer to make it better. We can do that. And if that doesn't work, then we can find something else we'd rather do."

"I don't know. I'm not sure I like that either," says little Heather. "I like Birthing From Within. I don't wanna do something else. What if I never do Birthing From Within again? What if that? That would make me sad."

"Sure. It might. But do you remember that time when you were absolutely sure you wanted to be a concert pianist or a choir teacher when you grew up?"

"Yeah."

"And you're not a concert pianist or a choir teacher now, are you? And that's okay, isn't it?"

"Yeah. It is. I just don't want to do that anymore and I'm happy with what I'm doing right now. I don't really feel sad about that because that's what I USED to want to do. Now, I just don't. But, I don't really ever see me feeling that way about BFW. I want to do it again if I can't do it right now."

"That's great, honey. Let's plan on that. This will just be a short break and then you can come right back to BFW. And if it's different, with different people and whether it's better or worse, you most certainly can jump right back in and enjoy it and really make it work well, for you and for everyone else. And if you don't want to do it anymore, and that's the only reason you won't do it again, then it will be okay with you, just like it's okay that you're not a concert pianist. You'll still have just what you want. Sound good?"

"Yeah, I think so," Little Heather squinches her mouth to one side, like she's thinking really hard.

"You can't just think so! You've got to know so if you want to make this work. You'll never be happy otherwise," Miss Judge interjects.

"Miss Judge!" my Love Warrior Mama Self says. "You know I love you and appreciate you for all you do for us. You really want to protect little Heather and I am grateful for that. But right now, we have things under control and it's your turn to be quiet. Is that okay? Can you do that and trust me to take care of Little Heather? I promise I'll do a good job. Is that okay? Can you let us figure this out without you from here on out?"

"Okay. As long as you promise to do a good job and ask me for help if you don't know what to do. Promise?" Miss Judge looks at Mother Heather expectantly.

"Yes, my dear. I promise."

"Pinky swear?"

Mother Heather chuckles. "Pinky swear."

"Okay," Miss Judge agrees, folding her arms contentedly across her chest.

Mother Heather turns to Little Heather. "Do you think you can be okay with this now? With taking a break? I promise to come with you and to help you. And I promise to help you figure out what you want to do and how to get back into things when your break is over. Sound good?"

"Yes. That sounds good. You'll help me? You'll help me know what to do?"

"Yes, I will."

Little Heather runs off happily to take care of business and do what most needs to be done right now.

And so, here I am, left with my Love Warrior self to try to figure out how to make this work. That I need to take a break and focus on my family is a certainty. Now that I've talked to my sweet little Child and Judge sidekicks, I feel comfortable doing this. I know it's the right thing to do and I'm at peace with my decision.

So, all that's left are decisions. Do I make it a long goodbye? Do I take the time to finish up my certification requirements before bowing out for a while? Or do I plan on a very short break and a re-evaluation in a few months to decide whether to finish my certification? Or do I just stop for good and plan to start fresh in a couple of years? Do I keep my toes in, continuing to go to retreats and check the message board and listen in on conference calls? Or do I just say goodbye and trust that it will all be there when I come back?

I still have decisions and plans to make. But they should be significantly easier now. Up until the time I read my friend's post this morning, I had not recognized that my confusion on the matter was coming from the fact that the little child in me was in the driver's seat with my judge shouting criticism and advice from the backseat.

Things ought to go much more smoothly now that my wise, compassionate and courageous adult self (you know, the one who actually has a driver's license) is now behind the wheel.

Open Letter to Childbirth Professionals Of All Persuasions

We birth professionals seem to be settling for the easy answers. The causes. The propaganda. The comfortable absolutes.

I think, though, that absolutes in something as uncertain as birth are worth about as much as dental floss at a Willie Nelson concert. If I indulge in any during this post, consider them for what they're worth -- about as much as any other absolutes (not very much).

But principles, ah... I think principles (which admit a multitude of "right" answers) can be worth a great deal. Principles such as validation, empowerment, personal sovereignty, respect...

I keep thinking that one very important thing in birth and birth preparation is to always validate the woman's experience, whether in past, present or future tense. For this reason, I am uncomfortable with both the "Pain is good! Embrace it!" and the "Birth can be easy and comfortable." mentalities. Because, like so many dichotomies, it feels false. Neither one is right. Neither one is wrong. And most women's experiences with birth lie somewhere in the middle.

In an effort to acknowledge the full range of women's experiences, I try to be careful in my classes. Though I call the skills we learn "pain-coping techniques", I am careful to make it clear that a woman may experience the sensations of birth as pain or stretching or pressure or fullness. Or she may experience them as none of these or all of them at different times or many of them at the same time or as any other sensation or group of sensations.

For those of you who are thinking "Wait, but by using the word pain, you introduced into her subconscious mind the idea that birth might be painful." I invite you to take a step back and think for a minute.

Did I really?

First of all, how many women are there in our society who have not (in arguably a much less balanced presentation than the above) been exposed to the idea that "childbirth equals pain" before their sixteenth birthday? I admit that there may be some. But truly, how many? By using the word pain, I have actually acknowledged what has probably already been in her self-conscious for quite some time. And by acknowledging this and then introducing the idea that she MAY experience birth as pain, but she may also experience it in many other ways, I have actually expanded her possibilities in birth. And at the same time, have I not validated and brought to light an unacknowledged idea that may be controlling her preparations for birth? (And when a woman seeks out a childbirth method that promises "easy, comfortable birthing", isn't it possible that she does so because she has already heard that birth is painful and she doesn't want it to be that way for her?) I feel that by validating what she believes is true (that childbirth can be painful), she is much more likely to accept that other things can also be true (childbirth can be comfortable).

Feel it out in your own body (yes, I'm highly kinesthetic. For you visual types "Look at it this way." For the auditory folks, "How does this sound to you?").

I tell you that something you believe is true AND that there are other things that can be true.
OR
I tell you that your truth is wrong and that other things (usually my ideas) are right.

Which are you more likely to believe?

Second, who am I to tell a woman what she will or will not feel when she doesn't even know it yet? Even worse, who am I to invalidate what she actually DOES feel and her OWN WORDS for describing it?

It goes both ways.

Yes, if I tell her that it is going to be hard work, then I may very well sabotage her out of a belief (and the manifestation of that belief) that her birthing will be easy and comfortable. But what if I tell her that it can be easy and comfortable if only she prepares well enough and that birth should be this way, if it weren't for all those pesky problems. Then, when SHE experiences her birth as difficult or painful, she is either a failure (because she did it wrong or didn't prepare) or she is a victim (hypnosis failed her or her doula failed her or her care provider failed her or nature failed her). How crappy is that?

You see, birth is not about us as birth professionals. It is about HER, the birthing woman. HER EXPERIENCE. HER WORDS. HER POWER. By making it about us or our "birth philosophy of choice" are we not robbing her? I agree that in setting forth the idea that birth is always painful, we are robbing her of possibilities. But what of setting up a goal of "easy and comfortable" in a setting over which one has little to no control?

I think hypnosis is a fabulous tool for birth. I have seen it work first-hand many times. In fact, the "sensation-management skills" ;) taught in Birthing From Within (which is my "birth philosophy of choice") are deeply based in self-hypnosis, and many other of its processes are also hypnosis based. I even think that introducing the idea that easy, comfortable birthing is possible (even likely, given ideal circumstances) is great.

What feels wrong to me is the setting up of "shoulds" instead of "cans". "Shoulds" limit. "Birth should be this way, but sometimes things go wrong." "Cans" empower. "No matter what happens, you can do it." If easy, comfortable birthing is the way it "should be", then when it is not achieved something must have gone WRONG.

Why does anything have to be wrong? Why can't we just see things as being the way they were meant to be? Or even better, why can't the happenings of birth just BE. What is. What was. What will be. No attaching labels of good or bad, wrong or right, failure or triumph.

If a woman enters the path of birth and comes out the other side, is that not enough? Does it really matter what happened in the middle so long as she was allowed sovereignty over her body and her inner experience of birth?

Many "natural-birth" promoting women often harp on about how the obstetrical system "breaks" birth by intervening in a natural process, through words, attitudes and actions. We complain about how medical people view women and their bodies and the birth process as "broken", something needing active management and fixing.

Are not we guilty of the exact same thing when we say that "something went wrong" because a woman had a c-section or felt pain (even excruciating pain) or decided that she wanted an epidural? Are we not labeling that birth, that woman, as broken? When we say "trust birth" or "trust the birthing woman" do we really mean it? Or do we just mean "trust birth when it is easy, comfortable, vaginal and natural" or "trust the woman when she makes the choices that are based on our idea of evidence-based, well-prepared, idyllic birthing"? Wouldn't trusting birth mean trusting it no matter what? Trusting that the birth of a woman who births a baby by c-section after many hours of valiant pushing is no more broken than the birth of a woman who pushes a baby out her vagina in the water at home. Why does it have to be that, if birth doesn't fit our picture of ideal, something must be fouled up? Why not just let it be, celebrate what worked. What was.

If hypnosis worked for five minutes or five hours, hypnosis WORKED. If moaning worked for three contractions, moaning WORKED. If screaming "Oh, God, I'm going to die!" worked for the last ten minutes of pushing, it WORKED for the last ten minutes of pushing. Who are we, as birth professionals, to take that away from a woman, to invalidate her experience. It was, it is. She did what she did. Nature did what it did. What benefit is there in placing blame -- anywhere?

Sure, we can acknowledge that we all have preferences. Most of us wish that all births would go smoothly, be easy, be painless or at least easily manageable. We probably all WANT every woman to be able to birth easily, for her care provider to not overstep his or her realm of authority into the birthing woman's authority over her own body, for every baby to be healthy and breastfeed easily.

I don't twiddle my thumbs in my classes thinking, "YOU can have an easy birth, but YOU are going to have the 95 hour labor from hell followed by an emergency c-section just to prove my point that you CAN do anything." Of course not. But I feel that I must look a woman in the eye, listen to her words, her experience, her fears, her wishes and help her discover and expand her resources, her strengths, her knowledge and self-confidence until SHE feels ready to face that 95-hour labor from hell followed by an emergency c-section. Then, if she is faced with that experience, she can do it.

And if she has an easy, comfortable birth then she is doubly blessed. First, by the strength she gained in her preparation and second, by the easy birth. And perhaps the easy birth is the lesser gift, because an easy birth only happens once (or maybe even a few times). But the things she learned about herself, the skills she gained, will probably never leave her and can be there for her to access if she has the "postpartum from hell" or the "illness from hell" or even, simply the "Monday at work from hell."

Now, please don't think that I think that I have all the answers or that "my way is right" or that I even think I know what I'm doing or can be sure that everything I just said is true.

What I do feel very strongly is that birth is NOT about me. It is not about hypnosis. It is not about Birthing From Within or Bradley or Lamaze or evidence-based-care.

Birth is about women and babies.

What I want most to do in my work (and what I feel women need most) is to assist each woman in finding whatever it is that will allow her to feel prepared to face ANY experience that comes her way, to strengthen her through any means SHE feels will work and then, to embrace and welcome her to the other side without judgment and to acknowledge her strength in having made it.

I imagine that most of us want the same thing, but we (myself included) get distracted so often by the peripheral details.

Lets all try to do better, okay?

With Love and Respect,
Heather