Monday, May 12, 2008

Ten Whole Years

Ten years ago, just after midnight, my water broke. We drove by the light of a full moon to Gunnison, Utah from our little home in Ephraim. I was excited, strangely confident and ready despite the fact that I was 37 1/2 weeks pregnant and even in my wildest dreams did not expect to be giving birth so soon.

JDub was a bit of a wreck, but he stuck with me and helped me pack and get there.

I walked the halls of the hospital, plunging into a squat with each wave. We watched home improvement shows and Gilligan's Island. My parents and sister and brother took turns spending time with us in my room. Interestingly enough, my fourteen year old brother was my greatest comfort during the contractions. He was so tender and so present.

After 15 1/2 hours of labor, I decided I was ready for an epidural. I'd really had no intention of giving birth naturally, unless it just happened that way. And by this point, I was ready for a rest and some relief. It was just what I needed. Despite some complications and plummeting blood pressure that had to be resolved, I was grateful when it was in place. I took a nap and woke up to some pressure sensations.

I didn't tell anyone or even open my eyes, but gently, gradually began to push my sweet baby into the world. That quiet space was the space where I began to become a mother. Eyes closed, body filled with light, I held tightly to the tender secret that my child would soon be in my arms. I talked with her and with my Heavenly Father. I made promises and let go of old agreements and readied myself for the rest of my life.

There are no words for the sweetness of that time.

After 15 minutes or 30, I don't know, I felt it was time to let everyone else in and welcome their help with the birth. I pushed for 30 minutes and my tiny daughter was out of my body and on my chest and I would never be the same again.

I was a mother, forever, through and through. Nothing else I had been before would ever matter as much or hold as big a part of me as this new little being.

Now, I have very few words to tell the beauty and awe I feel.

This, my 4 lb 13 oz baby girl:

has become this, my too-lovely-for-expression daughter:

I thought I knew joy ten years ago. But, ten years of being a mother to such a lovely, bright, amazing daughter is more than I will ever deserve. She has written poetry in my heart and I will never be the same. I simply will never be able to capture her goodness, her heart in words. She is far too wonderful.

Thank you, my daughter, for choosing me.

Happy birthday to both of us.


Emily said...

happy birthday kaitybean!

Rynell said...

She is lovely.

I hope her birthday was great!