Wrappings and Musings

Here in my corner of the world, autumn is officially settling in. The mornings have been crisp and cool. The leaves on the mountains are beginning to turn bold and fiery. It has been raining the last couple of days. This afternoon feels like home. Lovely and familiar and inviting.

My children are upstairs playing house. Kaitybean is, of course, the Mommy. Scud is the son. Mashuga is playing the Daddy. His portrayal consists mainly of kissing the mommy goodbye and walking out the door, then walking back in again a few minutes later with "I'm back from work, honey!" Then, he announces that it's time to read scriptures and go to bed. After Scud is in bed the process starts all over again. He's wearing his tigger underwear, backward of course. And when I told him that Daddies don't wear just underwear to work, his characteristically self-assured answer was "This daddy does."

Home has been an interesting thing lately. It's changing and somewhat uncomfortable. JDub and I are really working on creating a home and a family together. After nine years of marriage and nearly that many years of parenting, we are finally getting down to the work of creating, of planning, of dreaming and figuring out just what it is we want for our family and how we're going to get there. And we're finally doing it together, which sometimes means joy and hard work and sometimes means crying and fighting or agreeing to disagree until next time. We're painting the deck and cleaning out our closets. Trying to decide whether to have our carpets professionally cleaned or to just tear them out and start all over again. Reminding each other of agreements we've made when it comes to our children. To treat them with love and respect. To expect them to learn to work hard and be honest and kind and respectful to others. To feed them well and put them to bed at night so that we can have some time together. It's good work to be doing. And it's painful work, also, as we face years of pent-up frustration. As we try to make our home a beautiful sanctuary and deal with feelings of self-doubt and self-depreciation that have held us back from investing more of our resources in ourselves and our surroundings. It is one of those formative times in our lives that I believe we'll look back on with fondness, but for right now it has been a hard climb. It's incredibly difficult to get out of nine years of habit, of living parallel and extemporaneous lives of quiet desperation and move toward living our life together, with purpose, hope and deliberation.

Our home is also somewhat quieter lately. And busier at the same time. Each morning I shuttle my two oldest, previously home-schooled darlings off to school. And it is a fabulous school. They love it there. And I am truly enjoying the time I get to spend alone with my captivating Mashuga boy. But, I miss my Scud and his sweet hugs and quiet way of making me feel wonderful about myself. And I miss my Kaitybean and her wit and fire and compassion and thirst for knowledge. And I end up spending about two hours in the car each day, which is certainly not as soul-soothing as I'd like it to be.

My cute little brother (okay, he's 6 foot tall and 250 pounds, but he'll always be my cute little brother) and his lovely, wonderful wife came over today. It's the first time I've seen them since their wedding day and it was good to have them here. They needed to use my computer and J cursed my Mac a few times. I talked a bit with my new sister about Christmastime and traditions and flying home and getting along with our family and loving them even when it's difficult. I love her already. I hope they'll always feel welcome here for any reason at all.

This week saw me handling close to $5000 worth of orders for our school. Parents were given the opportunity to purchase items to help their children at home. And I've been compiling them and keeping track of orders and checks and spending late nights checking and double checking to make sure everyone gets what they need. It's so good to feel useful, to be able to serve others and take care of the needs that play in the background to make sure others' lives are a bit easier. At the same time, I'm glad the final numbers are in and that I have the opportunity to take care of myself and my home a little more this week.

Yesterday I called the Birthing From Within office and gave them permission to empty my business account and take some more out of yet another account. I'll be attending an advanced training and retreat in beautiful Ghost Ranch, New Mexico in November. I'll be meeting wonderful, open, wise women in person whom I've gotten to know through words only. I have heard that this training is often a life-changing experience and perhaps it may be so for me. But even if it is not, I am looking forward longingly to the soul-stretching and peace and pause this trip will afford me. My life has been going at such a pace lately that I deeply feel the need to take some time to remember who I am and what it is I feel called to do in my life right now.

So, I am preparing to mentor another BFW class in October and I'm greatly looking forward to it. What bliss it is to be able to bless the lives of others and do what I love at the same time. And like I've said before, these classes are so much different than a typical childbirth class. Parents do not sit on pillows while I tell them everything they need to know about birth and how to do it "right". They are given the opportunity to delve deep into the heart of what they know and what they want and to begin to live out the answers, to be the solutions to their deepest worries. They begin to be active participants in their births, they begin to practice and do what they need, to live mindfully and be willing to face any possible outcome that their birth and life might throw at them. It's a miraculous thing to behold. And joyous work in which to be engaged.

I think I may also take a class from another BFW mentor at the end of October. It will be interesting to be at the receiving end, as a pregnant mom, for the first time.

Speaking of being pregnant, I am very big and round. I need to post a picture on here of my cute tummy. Captain Jack seems to be a happy, active little guy. I'm starting to wonder what he'll be like, how he'll change our family and our lives forever the way each of our children have done.

I found the perfect pair of maternity jeans a couple of days ago. Perfect wash. They fit right in all the right places and are incredibly comfortable. AND they have pockets, which somewhat of a rarity for maternity clothes. Money well-spent.

Then, I spent a morning crying and yelling at my sewing machine as I tried to hem them. You see, I'm 5'2" and it's almost impossible to find a pair of pants that aren't four inches too long for me. :) But, I got them done. And the hems look just fine. Unfortunately, I knocked my iron onto the carpet and burned a nice little design into it. JDub keeps threatening to put four more marks on the floor to make a pattern. Ugh. :) I have quite the love/hate relationship with sewing.

I started a new cross-stitch last night. One with winding flowers and a wonderful poem I found on a door at Casa De Maria in Santa Barbara, California last year. It's rather soothing to have something like that to work on. And, unlike sewing, crosstich is something I'm actually good at.

So, I'm sitting here in front of my computer, listening to my three sweet kinder-eggs playing together, enjoying a cold, wet autumn day and just feeling very blessed and grateful for my life. My dear husband, my best friend and the most wonderful man I know has just walked in the door from work. Life is crazy right now. There is much to be worried about, much work to do. But there is always so much to be grateful for. And right now I'm just happy to be me.