Friday, April 13, 2007

Heartbreak

I'll be brief today. Partly because I'm supposed to be folding laundry right now. That's what I promised myself I'd do. Mostly because I don't want to say too much. I'm feeling a bit too tender right now for daring expose.

My heart is hurting today. For many reasons, it's been hurting for a while now. But there are some specific things that have happened recently that have really broken my heart.

First, on my parents' anniversary my Dad's best friend died. They had been friends since their sophomore year of high school. He was the best man at their wedding and was only 51. This was very unexpected and it's been hard for our whole family, but especially for my dad. And especially because he is in Turkey right now. It hurts me to think of him sad and me not able to hug him. And it also makes me sad because I remember him (my dad's friend) and have such pleasant, happy memories of him.

I've also been thinking about my old best friends, most of whom I have not hung on to. I was thinking mainly of childhood friends that I've lost touch with and how much they meant to me then. How I wish we could have stayed friends, stayed close. I've wondered how I'd feel if one of them were to die suddenly.

Well, this morning I got a call from my mom and I knew immediately that the tone of her voice was a "someone died' kind of sound. True. She had very bad news. I'm having a hard time bringing myself to the point where I can type it. Seeing it in black and white makes it so final. One of my best, favorite childhood friends was found dead in her apartment yesterday. Or was it this morning? The details all blurred together when I heard "Jodie is dead." I've fought back the tears and just taken care of my kids all day, so I haven't felt much. But now that I'm sitting here, typing, seeing her face, I'm crying. I've already been missing her, regretting the end of our relationship. And now for it to be so final...

And the last thing, though not quite as traumatic, has been much more drawn out and difficult. I am ashamed at how hurt I feel. I want to let it roll off my back, to turn the other cheek. It's not easy. I don't want to get into details or be disloyal, here or anywhere else. I'm trying to love and freely forgive, regardless of the outcome. But it's been a battle.

So, all in all, I'm hurting. My heart aches. For me, for others who have lost loved ones, for broken trust and difficult decisions, for lost time and a feeling of having so much taken, on so many fronts.

3 comments:

Kim said...

Oh my dear friend, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry for the many losses you have recently experienced. I wish I could put my arms around you and give you a huge hug. (((((((((HUG))))))))) that will have to suffice for now. Love you!

brightonwoman said...

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
I'm so sorry.
I was in college when a friend of mine died out of the blue of an anurism (at his fiancee's college graduation). I had not even been that close to him, but I was reeling for days.
Life is such a brief moment in the eternal scheme of things, and yet when we are in it it seems so all-encompassing. And no matter how much you believe that they are in a better place now, it doesn't stop the hurting--nor should it. We hurt because we love; more love has the potential to mean more hurt...and yet greater love means a fuller life, and so I think it's worth it. We can't be afraid of love--or of hurt. Love is what gives humanity that tiny bit of divinity.

The Reed Family said...

Wow!! Brightonwoman (although I do know who you really are :-) ) You said what I would have loved to have said. My heart aches for you as well. I hope for you that peace will come to you and still remember the memory of those who you have lossed. Big hugs!!! Sorry I haven't posted in awhile..............ahhh I get all caught up in my little world. I still think of you!

Lisa