Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Let Me Explain

No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

I think it's only fair to let you, my fabulous blog friends, in on a bit about the inner workings of my mind. Laura mentioned that my posts seem to be up and down lately. Others have expressed concern many times when I've talked about frustrations, anger, sadness, self-loathing.

For me, though, talking about it means I'm probably okay. It's like what my Grandma Murray always used to say "As long as you think you're crazy, you're probably not."

As long as I have the self-awareness to admit to and give myself permission to fully feel whatever it is I happen to be feeling, this is a pretty good sign that my mental health is in good shape. That I am able to see that I am feeling unhappy and give that feeling voice, even if it's scary, is an acknowledgment on my part that my feelings are a transitory thing. They do not define or control me.

It is when I am unable to recognize negative feelings as abnormal, when I turn them in on myself like daggers, that I am in trouble. The recognition is always the first step out for me.

That doesn't mean I'm not sad right now. I am. I'm hurting.

But I am still so terribly grateful for my life, for all I'm learning. I know I am so loved by my Heavenly Father, that I am important and good.

And I know that I am cared about by so many wonderful people, like all of you. Thank you ever so much for your support and kind words. It means so much to me.

So, I didn't do so good at the summing up thing. Did I? Truly, brevity is not my gift.

So, to sum up, here's one of my very favorite poems.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~


Vanderbeeks Images said...

but girl, you deserve to be happy. besides the fact that happiness is a choice and we need to see the silver lining even in difficult situations - sometimes we need help. I worry a lot - I deal with a lot of things that most people my age don't have to deal with - heart, lung, liver, kidney damage, and a weak immune system from cancer and chemo and radiation - and talking with a counselor (lds family services) has helped me see things so differently. my days are so much different when I realize that while it is difficult, I try more to concentrate on the good - I think that is the 'choice' part of happiness. But I couldn't have done it without the help of others. You have 4 kids, a busy husband, and you are so busy yourself - overwhelmed a bit sometimes - and sometimes all it takes is a little bit of perspective from someone who has seen this sort of thing over and over again. There is so much more required of a mother now than ever before and children - sheesh - well I know a little bit - my daughter is in school and her homework is very time consuming - and you have 4. I think it takes more than just realizing there is something up. If you don't do something about it, it will fester instead of heal. Sometimes we feed off the drama in our lives and families. You don't have to think you can do it all. You can do so much more and feel so much better when you take care of yourself Heather! I love you and I am concerned about you. Of course I have a bad case of pms this month and I could just be crazy. take care of yourself girl! it's better to ask for help and have them say you are ok, than not and realize later how much happier you could have been.

Momo Fali said...

Vent away! It's good to get it out, and that's what we're here "listen". Good or bad, I'll lend you my ear.

Rosie said...

"My brains, his steel, your strength against sixty men and you think a little head jiggle is going to make me happy? Hmmm?"

Heather said...

Thanks everyone for your support, in all its forms. I really have been doing well, I have just had a few things going on which have prompted genuine sadness. But nothing permanent.

And Rosie, my dear, I love you. I knew that you, of all people, would play along with the Princess Bride quotes.