Wow, it has been one VERY fast week. It feels like it should still be Monday. Or Wednesday at the very least. I went to pick up kiddos at noon today and was doubting myself the whole way there.
"It's not Friday, is it? It's not a half day today. It can't really be Friday!"
But, alas, my friends. It is in fact Friday. I shall see if I can come up with some sense of what's happened during this blur of a week.
I talked with Scud's teacher this week about his progress in school. She says that he is FAR ahead of his peers academically. They are just beginning to blend phonograms. He's already reading. And in math, he already knows a great deal of addition and subtraction. So, she tries to challenge him when she can. This was one of my biggest worries with sending him to Kindergarten at 6. He's probably ready for the academic work of 1st grade, but I really felt that he was not socially or emotionally ready for a full day of school. I'm sure it should all work out. On the behavior front, she said that he is obedient and eager to please. But he does have some problems with self-control (ie: he occasionally tackles his friends during class just because he feels like it), can't seem to keep his chair on the floor and tips over at least once a day and can often be found poking his neighbors. Yep. Sounds just like home.
I got to go help in Scud's classroom this week. I'll tell you what, every time I've helped in a kindergarten classroom I think that kindergarten teachers must be the most patient souls in the world. And I usually come home with a deep appreciation for MY kindergartner and his unique quirks and habits. I'll keep him.
I had an appointment with my midwife on Wednesday. Everything looks good. Baby's heartbeat is strong. I could tell you that he's healthy just by how busy he is. At my last appointment I was measuring rather large for dates. At 30 weeks I was 35cm (standard is an average of 1cm per week of prengnancy). But now, at 33 weeks I'm measuring 34.5cm. So, it's all evening out.
So, I'm excited to meet this baby. He still doesn't have a name. We just call him Coco most of the time. We're really leaning toward Jack, but I don't feel a clear pull toward a name for him like I did with Scud and Mashuga. So, we'll probably just wait until he's born and name him then.
The rest of the family is excited to meet him also. Scud has to hug and say hello to the baby every time he hugs me. JDub and I have a nightly routine where, after putting kids to bed, he listens to the baby's heartbeat through my tummy and talks to him and rubs his back. Coco loves it and is always happy to hear Daddy's voice and moves right over and into JDub's hand. It's been nice to really enjoy and appreciate this pregnancy in ways we didn't as much with our other three.
JDub has been VERY busy at work. Every year the store he works with does a BIG show and sale. This is the only time of the year that they really clean the store and organize it. So, he worked from about 6am until 10pm on Saturday, Monday and Tuesday. The show started Wednesday and he's worked until 8pm on nights since then. The overtime pay will be nice for Christmas and for paying for baby stuff. But, I'll tell you what, I'm done. I don't remember being this tired with other pregnancies. But, by 4pm I'm already ready to fall into bed. Then, by 8 or 9 when I get kids to bed, I'm exhausted beyond words. And by the time JDub actually gets home and I've fought with Mashuga to stay in bed for a while, I'm tired to the point of tears. I'm ready for this week to be over with.
Okay, this is starting to really sound depressing. But, all in all, I'm in a good place. I'm getting back into the swing of things and enjoying the rhythm of my daily life. I'm feeling changes and growth and new ways of being seep slowly into the little things I do.
After writing about my struggles and disappointments of coming home to a less than miraculous life transformation, a dear friend that I met at Ghost Ranch gave me words of advice that were like honey for my heart. "Be patient. It will come," she reminded me. "In little ways, a little at a time, you will notice how you've grown and see yourself in a new light."
She also reminded me of how very precious and fleeting these years with my small children are. Truly, this is a blessed season in my life and I would be foolish not to feast on these days and revel in the glory of being a joyful mother of children. There will be time for so many other things. It does not all have to be NOW. And I certainly don't want to squander now by wishing it to be different than it is.
And that has been part of my disappointment on leaving Ghost Ranch and not being able to fully and immediately integrate the things I learned there into my life. I want to be better FOR my children. If nothing else in my life changes, if I touch no one else, I want my family to feel deeply of my love for them and for my self. To see in me and example of courage and strength and open tenderness. Through my willingness to allow myself to be big, to be fully the wonderful woman I know I can be, I want to give my children permission to do the same. But, I keep reminding myself to slow down. To be patient. And to know that, in this moment, I am enough and I am doing my very best. And I am loving those around me fiercely.
I finished reading The Horse Whisperer today. It was a touching story. I'm not sure I'd recommend the book wholeheartedly, as it has a bit more sex and language than I'd like, but the story was engrossing and interesting. One thing I especially loved was a part where one of the main characters says something to the effect of "All of life is really a long string of nows. And the best one can do is to live this now as fully as possible with out giving too much thought to the previous now or the next now."
And I'll leave you with that. I'm sure I could find more to say, but I feel like the best use of this particular now for me has nothing to do with continuing to type on the computer. Gotta go see what the clanging and banging upstairs is about.
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