Weekly Wrap

So, I'd call it a Friday Wrap, but it's not a Friday. But, it's been a somewhat interesting week, so......

-On Monday our family hiked to the "Y" (The giant Y plastered on a mountain near BYU). It was a blast. We took many breaks for the kids, but Kaitybean and Scud made it all the way to the top on their own steam. Mashuga walked about a quarter of the way and rode on Daddy or Uncle D's shoulders the rest of the way. Really, we had a marvelous time. Perfect, cool temperatures, family togetherness, lots of love and laughs.

-After that, I've spent most of the week in a haze. Honestly, I don't know where I've been lately. But I've been getting close to NOTHING done, either at my house or away from it. And I'm starting to wonder if I'm not doing much or going anywhere because I feel so tired or if I feel so tired because I'm not doing much or going anywhere. Or maybe it's the big, fat D word emerging again. Yuck!

-But really, I did some things. I watered our front lawn. And I accidentally left the sprinkler on all night in one spot. Woke up in the morning to find some major puddles. Guess that patch of lawn ought to be good for a while. And I dug the wooden squares out of our garden (read: horrendous weed patch) so that we can mow and till it.

-Kaitybean finished her last day of school for the year. I am THRILLED. I've missed my girl and I'm just not sure how I'll feel aobut sending Scud to school next year, too. I just thoroughly enjoy my kiddos.

-I had a couple of wonderful talks on the phone with my dear, thoughtful friend Edge this week. Yes, one of my internet friends is actually my REAL friend, too. Thank you my sweet friend for listening, for loving me and for your faith in me. You always bring me both hope and clarity and I'm grateful.

-I've been having dreams of twins. It would be fun to have twins and really, this would be an ideal time in our family for it. Mashuga will be close to four years old when this next baby/babies come. So, we'll see if they're visions or just random dreams. I certainly have plenty of those -- crazy dreams -- when I'm pregnant.

-And speaking of being pregnant, I've had a H*%^ of a time choosing a care provider this time around. I'm just not sure what I want. In some ways it's not necessarily a GOOD thing to work in the childbirth field. I know too much about all of the doctors and midwives in the area and it's hard to separate what I know as a birth professional from what I need as a pregnant mama. I'll get it figured out.

-And I had a major breakthrough with this pregnancy last night. While visualizing my path to motherhood, I realized that there are many walls in my way. The first: FEAR. I imagined this word first, in bold, scary letters. Then, before I consciously thought about it, I imagined myself painting beautiful calligraphy over it. One word: Faith. The other two ideas that came so clearly to my head were those of Surrender instead of Control and Joy instead of worry. I can't control this journey. I'm not in charge here, so I'm beginning to feel myself melting away and surrendering myself to the changes that are coming, to whatever may be on this path. And I've realized that I need to forget worrying about what might happen, what might be wrong and simply experience joy for exactly where I am right now. I may or may not lose my baby. I may or may not have an ideal birth experience. I may or may not be ready for a fourth child. But what a gift it is to be exactly where I am right now. I love my baby. I'm 9 1/2 weeks pregnant. My stomach is expanding and starting to look like a baby bump instead of just my usual little buddha belly. What a delicious time. What a wonderful place to be. Tomorrow can take care of itself. I don't need to worry about it. I just am where I am and when I forget the past and forget the future and just love what IS, all I feel is joy and love and blessedness.

I'll be adding pictures to this post soon, but I have kids who need me.