To My Dearest Baby Boy

My dear, sweet Coco/Captain Jack,

This quote showed up in my inbox a few days ago.

"At the focal point of all human history, a point illuminated by a new star in the heavens revealed for just such a purpose, probably no other mortal watched--none but a poor young carpenter, a beautiful virgin mother, and silent stabled animals who had not the power to utter the sacredness they had seen. Shepherds would soon arrive and later, wise
men from the East. Later yet the memory of that night would bring Santa Claus and Frosty and Rudolph--and all would be welcome. But first and forever there was just a little family, without toys or trees or tinsel. With a baby--that's how Christmas began.

"It is for this baby that we shout in chorus: 'Hark! the herald angels sing Glory to the newborn King! . . . Mild he lays his glory by, Born that man no more may die; Born to raise the sons of earth, Born to give them second birth'." Jeffrey R. Holland

Being pregnant this time around, preparing for your arrival, has been a very tender thing for me. Christmas has meant something very different. Because I keep thinking of that little family in a stable and how tenderly and quietly it all began.

Christmas began with a baby.

So many wonderful things have begun with a baby. Every influential person who has walked this earth was once a tiny babe. Every wonderful person that I have ever known was once a tiny babe.

And I've been thinking of you lately and wondering who you will be. What will you become?

You may never be famous or influential in the world of men. But if you love those around you and live your life as a good man, who raises good children and leaves a legacy of love and commitment behind him, what a marvelous and miraculous chain of events is about to begin. With you, my baby.

In a lot of ways it has been hard for me to connect to you during this time. Last summer, I miscarried and learned what it means to lose an unborn child. So, holding on to you and opening up to the idea of a new little one in our family has been hard for me. I have always had, in the back of my mind, the possibility that we might not get to keep you.

But here we are, my sweetheart. I am 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Full term. You could be born any day now and you are still happy and kicking and alive in my womb. And I'm finally realizing that we really will get to keep you. You will be born healthy and well and bring tremendous joy to our family.

Even so, it seems so unreal. But I know that when I hold you for the first time, I will know you as MY CHILD.

Already I can feel your spirit. You are happy. You are a joyful, content person. I can feel you. And I love you already.

The rest of your family loves you, too. Your daddy is giddy with the anticipation of holding you and loving you. He talks to you every night. He tells you about our day together. He tells you that he loves you and can't wait to meet you and that you can come as soon as you like or wait as long as you need. He gets close to my belly and rubs your little back and tells you of our love for you.

Your brother, Scud, hugs you many times every day. He just walks up to my tummy and gives you hugs and yells "Hello Coco!"

And then there's Mashuga. He also loves you so much and is SO excited to be a big brother and play with you and hold you and share a room with you. He likes to kiss you and play with you. At least once a day he gets close to my belly and says "Boogy, boogy, boogy baby! I love you!" Sometimes he even plays peek-a-boo with you. Which is pretty silly, because you can't see him and probably won't really enjoy peek-a-boo for quite few months after you're born. But, he loves you already and wants to do anything he can to be close to you.

And Kaitybean has decided that she can love you, even if you're not a sister. She'll be so happy to hold you and help take care of you when you are born. She is a wonderful big sister.

So, you're a lucky boy. You're coming into a lot of love. And I've only told you about our immediate family!!! You have no idea how many Grandmas and Grandpas and Aunts and Uncles and Cousins are just waiting to meet you and shower you with love!

Really, though, I have to tell you that I am the lucky one. This morning I've held and hugged and cuddled your three siblings. They are three of the most beautiful, amazing people who have ever walked the earth. I feel overwhelmingly blessed and grateful to be their mother. My heart has exploded with the love I feel for them and will forever be larger than my body can hold. And here I am, on the brink of welcoming yet another joy into my life. I know that you will teach me and bless me and fill me with awe just as much as your older brothers and sister have. And my heart will grow again, to proportions larger than I can even imagine now. And I will love and cherish you and kiss your sweet face and feel the joy and tenderness that only mothers know.

I love you my dear little one and I can't wait to meet you face to face.

Love,
Your Mother