Friday, June 29, 2007

Profile of a Hero

For your reading pleasure, I have something for you that JDub wrote.

But first, a little background. JDub has decided to go back to school. He's done with his current job situation and finally the pain of remaining where he is is greater than the pain of returning to school. We both have mixed feelings about this. It'll be a tough few years, but I'm excited that he's jumping back in.

But, before he begins his quest, he has one thing that he must accomplish. English 2010. This will be the FIFTH time that he has taken it. Every other time he has either dropped it or failed it. Not because he can't do the work, just because... Well, I have no idea why. Neither does he.

For his first assignment, his teacher asked him to write a profile of himself from any viewpoint.

What he wrote was just delightful.

So, without further ado, I give you JDub.

As I undertake to write this forward to what will undoubtedly be a voluminous account of his heroic deeds, I can't help but think - what if HE had been ME. Of course I am wakened from this fallacy by my own subtle understanding of this man, nay this LEGEND. I can scarcely describe even a fraction of his greatness and any attempt to constrain his stupendous distinction to mere words is hopelessly inadequate. Letting brevity champion, I will try.

Exactly three and a half jamillion years ago history as we know it was forever changed. Though just the merest of insignificant blips on the cosmic radar, one cannot begin to insubstantiate the birth of the leader. The timing of his birth, in Berlin, Germany on the continent of Europe pertaining to the planet then called Earth, is nothing short of celestial. Scarcely could his parents have foreseen the impact their human son would have in the universe so many years later.

From the beginning, his enemies were at work to tear down and destroy any mention of this great man. He heroically triumphed over the many childhood scourges known as Chicken Pox and Growing Pains. He barely glanced at adolescent attacks of Acne and Love Sickness. Indeed, all these maladies served only to strengthen him. And though his enemies sought to erase him, going so far as to delete from the geography of the time the very place of his birth and the dwellings of his childhood, they cannot deny the man he became.

There was a terrific battle, as we all remember, that took place towards the latter part of his childhood. As he breezed through the intellectual speed bumps of academia, his enemies - the enemies of all civilization - were mounting their most daring attempt to thwart him. Their secret weapon -- codenamed English 2010 -- was so feared by most that it was barely mentioned. Few understood the depravity and baseness of this weapon, yet so concentrated was it's intensity and so targeted were it's implications upon our courageous leader that, even now, we mention English 2010 with reverence.

The enemies mounted their attack four times over the course of 7 grueling years. Mere mortals would have withered at the prospect of this hideous weapon directed not once but five times at our hero. After the fourth time the enemy thought our hero defeated. He had disappeared, apparently in defeat. The scholarly annals make no mention of him for 3 years. During this time of anonymity, instead of being resigned to the scourging of defeat, our hero used his concealment as preparation time to mount his deathblow.

The enemy had increased in vanity and power, seemingly unstoppable.

With swift accuracy and indescribable prowess, our hero struck that decisive August in Earth Year 2007. English 2010 was vanquished forever. I need not detail the events of that battle, as every child knows the story before they turn even four years old. I yield, as do we all, and submit my greatest respect to our hero, known to one and all as JDub The Great.


Real said...

Oh my gosh! I LOVE it!

Derrick said...

I am speechless. This little bit of incredible writing really shows off my brother. Thanks.

brightonwoman said...

OK this is OT, but can I steal that picture of JDub wearing the ring sling? I'm working on a blog post about the many uses of a ring sling, and I'm trying to collect a variety of pictures to go with it...I'd LOVE a couple of daddy-wearing shots! (And if you have others, well, I'm also looking for a variety of carries and ages of babies!)