Monday, May 01, 2006

Monthly Letter to JDub

Dear Sweetheart,

I simply can't believe that we're coming up on 9 years of marriage. And that we've known each other for nearly 14 years. That means I've known you for half of my life. Wow. During one of our first conversations I remember feeling that I could marry you. You just felt like home. Here we are all these years later and you still feel like home -- a much more comfortable home than I ever could have hoped for.

I'm finding it much harder to write this letter to you than I expected. Perhaps it is the public forum and all, but I think I'll just write what I'm feeling anyway.

I'm grateful to be your wife. I'm glad to have you as my best friend. I love how you "make me funny" and always thank me for making a great husband. I've got pretty good material to work with.

I was so grateful for you on Friday evening. I had to teach a childbirth class at our house the next day and you cleaned the carpet, mopped the kitchen, did the dishes and did everything you could to help me. No complaining.

Thank you for supporting me in all of the crazy things I do. It's not easy to be the husband of a woman who is passionate about so many things and diligent at so few things. But you love me, you believe in me, you stand by me and you give me wings to fly. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

So, my heart's been hurting lately. I'm sure you've noticed. I know that a lot of it stems from not spending much time talking to Heavenly Father lately. I've not been trusting the Lord. I haven't been putting much work into my spiritual life and I'm suffering as a result. I feel lost sometimes and alone and weak. Which, without my Savior, I am. These are the times when it's easiest for me to get angry with you. To blame you for all of our perceived problems. But, the funny thing is that, when I look back, these are the times I'm most grateful for you. Your patience, your laughter, your kindness and gentleness with me lift me and sustain me until I can find the strength again to stand on my own feet. To get back to being who I know I want to be.

So, I'm sorry for the times I've been frustrated and disappointed with you lately. So often my frustrations with you stem from my own insecurities. I know my own failings so intimately that it scares me to see some of the same flaws in you. I know how terribly weak I am and if you have the same weakness then surely the kids or the house or the world will fall apart. How can we keep it together?!?

And I guess we can't. Not for now. And that's okay, because we're learning and we're figuring it out together. There's nobody I'd rather be muddling through this mess of a life with. I sure love you.

We were really just babies when we got married, weren't we?!? Me at nineteen and you at twenty-one. I know I didn't think I was that young, but oh boy. Now I see it. But we're making it and we still love each other and we're doing better every day. So thanks, honey. Thanks for being my dear one. Thanks for your kindness and patience.

I love you,



FrogLegs said...

Aww-- what a sweet letter. BTW--- I *LOVE* your family picture! I've been neglecting reading blogs since I've started my second job (don't ask- lol). Hope hubby gets to read your blog- tuck the note in his pillow. ;)

Anonymous said...

When the goose is cooked, the barn's open. Don't come lookin' unless you're hopin"